11 weeks – that stranger in the mirror

11 Weeks 2

Ok, before you go all crazy on me after reading that title, my kid is the size of a lime this week. Which makes every pregnant woman at 11 weeks (or at 9 months for goodness sake) feel like the size of a hippopotamus, no matter what size they actually are. So instead of rolling your eyes at the next preggo you run into who feels like a big pile of french fries, follow me down imagination trail for a moment…

Imagine your fav tex-mex restaurant (if you’ve never been to TX, I’m sorry… for more reasons than one). Now I’m sure it won’t be hard for you to imagine you just ate 3 baskets of chips and salsa (or creamy jalepeno, hello!), and your meal is about to come to the table. You are already full, but let’s be real. You then proceed to stuff yourself with greasy goodness, be it fajitas or enchiladas, or whatever your preferred dish happens to be. You know what I’m talking about because you’ve been there. Now, after you have successfully stuffed yourself and are halfway pleased and halfway terrified about the amount of food you just consumed, you find yourself 30 mins later begging the Lord to please stop that rice from expanding any more inside of your poor, abused stomach.

Got it?

Ok, now imagine that last feeling, except imagine that instead of that amazing tex-mex and your self-destructive reward,  you actually didn’t eat it at all. You ate a salad for lunch. But you feel that after-tex-mex feeling. Pretty terrible, eh? Yea. Now, I can’t speak for every woman, but that is exactly how this mama felt on Monday.

Note: don’t be that person who says, “But you’re pregnant; it’s ok for you to feel that way.” That’s like saying, “Oh, it’s ok that you feel fat because you have an excuse to be fat now.” Too bad that doesn’t make anyone feel any better.

I can’t explain for any particular reason why it struck me on Monday, but it was so much that all I wanted to do was sit all day, because I had no energy and felt legitimately fat. I’ve been healthy for several years, so this feeling hasn’t plagued me, really ever in my life, except for those actual tex-mex occasional occurrences. My sister happened to text me that day and ask me how I was doing, and I straight up told her I feel fatter than I’ve ever felt in my life. She responded with a solid, “Yea, that sucks.” And then went on to share with me how this could be used as a blessing, to sympathize with clients and friends who have some weight to lose, but no motivation. She has experienced this before, so she was able in that moment to speak that truth into my overwhelmed emotions. I was able at that moment to thank God for the feeling – though miserable – for giving me the opportunity to empathize with others who are going through the exact same thing, in a way I truly haven’t been able to before.

It’s interesting because I’ve actually had some people comment on the fact that they’re intimidated to train with me by the fact that I’m not overweight (before I was pregnant). I’ve never understood this, because I’ve never considered myself any better than anyone who needs to lose weight, or even thinking that I didn’t need the exact same discipline and self control it takes to lose weight and keep it off. It’s an ongoing battle for everyone, not just people who have the weight to lose. It’s never been easy for me to make good decisions on my eating habits, and therefore I’ve never felt like I have anything else to offer except that Jesus is so much better than the small rewards we choose over Him, and that’s what helps me to make good decisions on a daily basis. BUT, on Monday, I finally understood what people are talking about. It’s not the fact that I don’t have weight to lose that’s intimidating. It’s the fact that I’ve never felt the emotions and the defeat that comes with seeing the weight, having the desire to lose it, but daily wondering if it’s even worth it when at the end of the day, you look in the mirror and it’s so hard to see past your own nearsightedness. I could sympathize, but I couldn’t empathize. I’m not claiming to know it all or understand every battle that you might face in any given moment, but I’m choosing to thank God for this small battle in front of me, and ask Him to continue to keep my eyes set on Him and use this tex-mex awfulness for His glory, and the abundant benefit and joy of anyone I might come in contact with.

And you know what? God gave me some unexpected free time in between a client and a class I had to teach, and I got to TAKE a spin class. Not teach it, just take it, and work my discouraged behind off and receive encouragement from a fabulous instructor. Nothing in my body or mind or spirit wanted to take that class. But when I realized I had the extra time, and I couldn’t even set up early for my class because this spin class was taking place in the same room, I took it as a gift from the Lord to help me in my weakness. When I got off that bike I still felt fat, but I felt 100 times better. My spirit was lifted, and I wasn’t in the dumps anymore.

Whether you are pregnant or not, know that wherever you find yourself, the Lord not only is ok with you, but cherishes you there. You are valued because you are His. Don’t let the enemy steal away the beautiful story He wants to walk you through. It will be painful and sometimes miserable, and there will be times that you’ll look at yourself in the mirror (literally or metaphorically) and not even recognize yourself. You will feel like giving up, and try to tell yourself that all of that work and consistency is not worth it. But do you know why it is worth it? Because HE is worth it. No, your frail, slowly decaying body might not be worth it. But He is. And He promises joy in this life, and in the life to come. I pray that you find that joy in your moments of tex-mex.

11 Week Update:

How Far Along: 11 weeks

Total Weight Gain: Yea, def didn’t weigh myself this week. :)

Maternity Clothes?: Nope.

Stretch Marks: Nope.

Sleep: Better than last week.

Best Moment of This Week: Celebrating pre-Father’s Day for my huz!

Miss Anything: The motivation to work hard in exercise.

Movement: Nope.

Food Cravings: Saturday I craved a Cherry Dr. Pepper from Sonic, and Sunday I could have hurt someone over Saltgrass mashed potatoes. What? Who am I?

Anything Making You Queasy or Sick: Haha. Ryan took these vitamins and started talking about how bad they tasted. Hearing about it made me gag, and I literally had to leave the room and breathe really deeply to avoid throwing up.

Have You Started to Show Yet?: That lime is poking out a bit.

Gender: ??

Happy or Moody Most of the Time?: Uhhh, did you read the blog above?

Looking Forward To: Going on vacay to Destin!

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